yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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