I murdered the dance floor call the cops
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
