My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
