The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
