one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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