Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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