I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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