Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
