____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
