Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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