so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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