I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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