Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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