I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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