I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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