I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
