I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
