He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
