i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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