i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
