Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
