to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
