Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
