how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
How does one acquire holy water?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
