I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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