I am puke
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
