i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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