I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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