My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
a search helicopter?!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
