I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Holy sore nipples Batman
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
