She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
