I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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