Your dad touched me again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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