Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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