Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
