i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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