So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
