if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
What drink are we having for lunch?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
