I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
