I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
