awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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