Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So much Jack, so little girl.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
