White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
