so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
areolas are like halos for boobs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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