Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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