I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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