I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
