Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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