My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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