Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
