Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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