Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
