I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
