Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
