Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
