Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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