How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
