did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
