Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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